Never let it be said that I wasn’t prepared….this is a document that has been available online for many years – in fact I recently found the original paper version written in 1993. It has been modified to reflect the changes in circumstances but generally it has had the same purpose.
I wish to be cremated. My ashes can be scattered anywhere that my next of kin wishes. The end.

I have no special place that I wish for the charred remains of a lifeless corpse to be distributed. Seriously. I’ve lived a great life and have many places in my mind that are unique or hold a special memory but I’m dead and what good is that to you lot? All that matters is those that are left behind and the way they choose to grieve.

Of my relatives that have been scattered, I have felt that there isn’t a place that I can visit and feel a closure which has effected my well being significantly. You lot need to find a place where you can feel comfortable. I don’t know whether this helps but it’s not up to me as I’m dead. I don’t wish to go on about it but there you go….

I do not want any form of religious dogma attached to my death. I didn’t believe in life, so I won’t in death. Under no circumstances should the formalities be handled by a representative of a religious group nor have any reference to religion.  I am firmly against all organised religion and no matter what you think, this is my 10p in the machine.  My belief should be upheld in my last throw of the dice.  We are all good and bad, some more than others. It’s up to us to save ourselves not a belief or fear of the supernatural.

I also request that “Blues Jam – Rollins Band” be played on the way into the building. I lived to be moved by music and this artist has made me feel alive since I was 14. My deepest thoughts and darkest emotions were channelled by music that the masses simply cannot understand. I just want you to sit there and listen; not react.

Unless my next of kin objects, any pieces of musical equipment that I own are to be given to Westley Quinton Bone.  They brought me a great deal of happiness and hours of frustration so they might as well do the same for him. They are to be untrusted unto him until Millie is of an age where she can decide what she wants to do with it. Any other goods or assets owned by myself are to be sold and the proceeds set towards the cost of my removal. Any monies left over are to be given to my next of kin for distribution as they please.

If there is to be any obituary or public marker of death then please write the following:

Ross Clarke-Trevis: Best before <insert date of death>.

Do not say “it’s what he would have wanted” because I would obviously prefer to be down the pub joining in the wake. I think eating well and getting drunk with good people is one the things that makes life so much more enjoyable.  Have a good one on me.

To my daughter Millie Isabelle, I want to tell you that I am incredibly saddened at the thought that I will not be there for you, to comfort, love and guide you through the times you have ahead. But know this my little Chimpy Wu, your old Dad loved you with all of his heart and would have gladly have given his life to give you a chance of happiness in this world. I cannot help but cry as I’m writing this as the thought of not seeing you again breaks my heart. You have given me so much joy that simple words cannot express what I feel inside. I hope that you can find the kind of companionship and love that I have enjoyed over my time on this Earth. Sometimes its worth taking a chance at love against the odds, you never know what is waiting for you. Be true to yourself and don’t follow the leader. Live your life according to your set of morals and principles that you dictate. You’ll do what is right. I love you Chimpy xxx

As I have not made an official will and will be intestate, this document is to be considered my last wishes. Most of my adult life has been consumed by trying to provide for my family and striving to be the best I can be with what I am. I know that I was never perfect but at least I gave it my best shot. I have felt true love and true happiness several times in my life and after all is said and done, I wouldn’t change a thing. As I look upon my sleeping child, I know it was all worth it to leave such a legacy.

Traa a bit.

Ross Clarke-Trevis – the dead bloke.

17/03/08